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Juan's Journal
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Date:2012-10-27 01:46

I thought I had earned enough trust to talk about personal problems but I have realized I was wrong...Praying for your safety...

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Date:2011-10-31 18:32
Subject:October 30...

October 30 2011 Ill always remember as the day that THAT happened.....posting this so i never forget Estephany Vecynthia Lara....

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Date:2010-11-05 23:35
Mood: cold

Why am i here i wonder...probably cuz i got nothing else to do sigh. It's been a struggle but im hanging in there for her. Miss her greatly...but alas...hopefully the waiting works to prove myself to her. Been a bit upset how i've handled things, but well....i am not perfect...and this is my first....attempt...and i can see the mistakes i do...and sometimes wonder how she doesnt just give up on me. but it is her giving me a chance that makes me want to keep working hard. I hope to not let her down. posting this quote here as i think its probably the only place i can put it so i can read it to myself over and over....

""Ty for talking to me on the phone, ty for thinking about me after being bitchy, ty for standing right beside me even when i have mood swings. Ty for trying very hard to hold a conversation with me even if i intimidate you, but im pretty sure that in a few days that will pass and you will be very relaxed. Thank you for being you sweetie! Ya thats right i can cheat in facebook "SWEETIE!" :* :D""

I'll keep reading that even though...i kinda had a misunderstanding...but...I hope to keep going...

Anyways, I hope this is proof for when you feel i do not think of you like before, i still do. 4 years , going to 5 years early next year. I still think of you so much , and i believe your growing so much into me. I feel i cannot be without you with each passing day. but as you can probably guess ive still been giving you the space you need , yet still wish to have more of your time. but i try to keep showing that im trying to give you balancing attention. I get worried how even with taking the best diet of herbalife you still feel tired. I wish to not see your health suffer. I know i've kept you up sometimes. However please know that if you ever feel lonely, i am available to you 24 hours. i've never said no to you. and that has been my work for the past 4 years of being there for you. I also wish to give you the time you need for your studies.

Well...I think its time to say good night. I miss you so much Estephany. so much.

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Date:2009-07-15 16:59

its been hella long time ive posted like always...have kept using this darn thing just for emo purposes....have tried to stop doing that so in the process its made me not post anything as a lot of thoughts of mine have been emo lol
but well i start out with the realization of time, how time has passed. How have I been using my time a lot lately? some may say its been into a game, I however like to think of it as, keeping someone company and communicating with them through that media format, as ive even planned RL trips through it.
Keeping a certain person company from late 17-early 21, has been a full time thing. and for good reasons too. I find enjoyment in keeping her company, her happiness is my happiness. Her problems i share within myself, and we both try to keep going forward strong. I very much appreciate her spending time with me too x.x
I want to say more lol but dont want to go into much details...just that...i want to keep being there for her...if she allows me to

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Date:2007-12-06 08:27
Subject:something i found...
Mood: amused

well coincidentally today as i was hearing peoples stories, i couldnt help to think of my future.
As a note to myself, I hope i have the strength to fight harrassment, and i hope i have the brains to never skrew up in a big way...but when i thought i wasnt gonna here anymore about couple stuff wound up finding this....some sort of girl wrote a guide..sadly i fit a lot of the things it says X.x

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are… plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such… but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra… all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models… They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo…”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind…”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on…” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code… a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce…

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps…

5.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

So girls, what are you waiting for? Get a nerdy boyfriend now!

All in all..it will be very surprising if a virgin really wrote the kama sutra O.O

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Date:2007-11-30 07:37
Subject:usually dont do random things like this but am in the mood
Mood: content

On the twelfth day of Christmas, twan_64 sent to me...
Twelve pkmaniac1s drumming
Eleven emo_eslis piping
Ten foreverzero24s a-leaping
Nine nightfall404s dancing
Eight angeldemonzeros a-milking
Seven star_princess83s a-swimming
Six blue_marys a-laying
Five co-o-o-ookies
Four videogames
Three mp3s
Two tacos
...and an anime in a blue mary.
Get your own Twelve Days:

In 2007, twan_64 resolves to...
Give up cookies.
Go to the mp3s every month.
Backup my anime regularly.
Be nicer to nightfall404.
Volunteer to spend time with tacos.
Learn to play the samurai.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

pretty fun read thanks to nightfall having the links while browsing which i do once in a while.

Everything seems to be going ok...so very psyched...I know it seems i only post when im upset..well some ppl post to remember or share or something..but i think my journal was being used as a tool to let off steam <,<;
better the journal than an actual person i guess. I guess for the record when i dont post for a long time im in bliss to even think about posting lol. I guess im doing an update post today to break the chain. Very tiring week...
oh well Twan signing off hoping the next time i post isnt to let off steam lol.

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Date:2007-11-02 06:50
Subject:7 days seem to be the limit ~.~
Mood: blank

as i sit here and think i find myself being full of excuses...
bah...i should shape up or sumthin...
or else get left behind X.x
anyways...very tired...so wanted to call in for work..but know i have to pay bills ...
kinda has been a roller coaster of emotions ...and wow never would find myself saying that ever :X
kono baka.
*knock on head* boo grow danggit

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Date:2007-10-24 16:45
Mood: content

Well its been a long long time i last bought a console. A few days ago i thought i had two choices, either buy a gamecume for smash bros alone, or a PS2 fully rigged to play import game and to catch up on titles i long to play Grandia III for example o.o
In my top list of titles for the reason to get a PS2 importer was for a game i thought would be awesome, King of Fighters Maximum Impact Regulation A.
Well, among many updates one of the main reasons it popped my interest was the addition of Blue Mary to the game lol yes 3d big whoop. Unfortunately i read more about KOFMIRA, and sadly, its a half ass game with no story mode, not even 1p Mode, just versus or time attack...utter BS, i just thought that maybe if i can get someone to play with like my brother, wont be as bad, but then i stumbled onto this Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Yup that is Marys alternate costume....utter BS :X :X Im just gonna stick to a Wii cuz smash bros getting Sonic and many more goodies (im hoping for a Castlevania character). just something small, saving like 10-20 bucks a week. should finish by Febuary on its release date lol :p
Other than still playing FFXI, and enjoying my time with Estephany xD Gotta keep her happy.
I Really do owe her a lot for the support shes giving me ^^ We're still in the talking it over stage of her coming here to the big TX, things like this take time to plan ^^; Just gotta hope I can show her around just like her and her family and how they took care of me. ^^

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Date:2007-10-22 07:19
Subject:kono baka
Mood: Dissapointed

" ba ba kono ba, kono baka" stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot. Illusions @,@ Dellusions..baka, not making sense anymore...
doh doh doh doh...
im such a immature bastard...

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Date:2007-10-20 11:11
Mood: thoughtful

At last i have a moment to rest lol. Yup its been a long two week guys, barely my first day off since coming back from LA been working a lot. Yup, I went to meet Estephany someone i met in FFXI.
Was it a nervous experience? hellz yah lol. I went to visit my family in LA too but sadly didn't have enough time to see them all. But they were nice people they knew since the beginning i was going to meet a friend, and their hospitality was generous that i feel indebted to them. My mom was telling me all about my family ever since i met Estephany...its weird...i tell her i met a friend in LA, and she points out that i got family in LA too. I never really understood my family ties but now i know...she explained it all to me which i would like to write them down to not forget myself.
It turns out my real grandma was a spunky and controlling woman when she was young. At her early age, she fell in love with a travelling Boxer champion. My mom says he was tall and fit (FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY i know where my height comes from and that im not adopted or something) Well it turns out my grandma didnt like the idea of him travelling around, she wanted to get married with him like now to be able to have him. But well my grandpa didnt want to yet, he wanted to travel all over Mexico to box throughout the country. But my grandma had her way somehow, and got pregnant from the guy and i think she felt that with that she will have him forever. Well that child was my mom o.o. Sadly a few years passed and my grandpa had not returned, and my grandma was stuck taking care of a baby with no guy support. She decided for herself and daughter, it was time to move on. She wound up marrying another guy (my present grandpa..well my moms stepdad to be exact) my grandma had a ton load of kids with the guy O.o and well he supported them all...however my mom said the new dad was a very violent one. But my grandma felt it was too late for her, that shes had all these kids and if he seperates from the guy she wont have money to raise everyone. So then it was like my grandmas fate was sealed, and they continued their lives.
My real grandpa came back to the little village of Valadeces one day. The poor guy returned after years of boxing ready to come back to the woman he got pregnant. But alas when he got back he learned she had already made her life with another man. My grandpa being good natured, did not want to start any trouble, he left without talking with any of them (my mom or grandma) and instead decided to make his life in another place, another country, LA california. And to this present day all family i have in mexico and california are half family so they are all equal in blood to me. But well my mom didnt know she had another dad until one fateful day in her late teens, that my grandpas brother came to the little village in Mexico, and confronted my mom. He told her everything, and my mom was asking why he told her all that. The guy said he didnt want someone that was from his blood to suffer and be poor. My mom was in shock of the news and went to talk to her mom, which she confirmed everything to be true. My grandma told my mom if she wanted to she can make her life with the other family. My mom replied back that yes she was curious, but she was raised by her and she wont abandon her no matter what. My mom spend a few months to get to know her other family. She went to LA when she was in her early 20s. She met everyone and noone treated her badly, they treated her with respect. But regardless, she had to leave to come back. Which she did.
Well whew that was a long story lol. Basically when i met my family they were very nice people but unfortunately i wasnt able to see my real grandpa ( he was in Vegas gambling for the weekend O.o) But yah they really did talk alot about me when i was gone. My cousins all wanted to meet Estephany but well..it was really early i felt for her to just come and see them so i tried to change the subject a lot.
Estephany is unique...shes been through a lot. But i think in some way i identify with her even though i have not gone through what shes been through. We really did enjoy our time together, even though it was a very active and tiring 6 days. She came to meet me in airport i thought it was real nice. I met her mom and brother there. Somehow i felt her family were good people, and i think and hope they felt the same way about me. They were really friendly and asked a lot of questions lol (even though i thought it was cute a lot of times estephany was the quite one) But well, that first day was really eventful and talkative and tiring. i learned the bus systems fast. i was able to come back on my own by the 3rd day (2nd day estephany and her mom really helped me out) the first day on thursday was just finding out about going home lol. on friday we went to the science museum. it was so kick ass lol. best museum ive ever seen. Saturday hmm..we went to the Santa Monica Piere. was so fun and the rides were awesome and the scenery aamzing. Played some air hockey with her and lost *head down in shame* lol it was all good times though. Im a good sportsman lol. Well after that, on sunday i had already planned to go to her Church On The Way right in Hollywood. I wanted to go to her church as a sign of respect. It was a good experience. Afterwards we went to City Walk in Universal Studios. Took lots of pics even though i was super dead nervous in all of them. Estephany had on a gorgeous black dress and her hair was in a bun behind her. And she had on the Onyx stone necklace, wrist, and earrings combination. Looked so beautiful lol >.< We played Air Hockey again in city walk we were dressed all formal lol. she still won X.x (gah i need to train in my air hockey skills) Well after a long day we went to eat awesome Chinese food. It was still a awesome experience. Sunday was a real long day lol. Monday well i walked through hollywood boulevard a bit. saw a few stores. then went back to city walk and watched movies, ate some great food, shopped around, and bowling! It was a cool day all around. Tuesday my last day, i went to see her in her school. it was a cool place. And she can get out of her class fast if she wants to lol. then we went to go eat at a taco place was good too. then estephany and her mom were super nice enough to escort me back to LAX the airport for my trip back. Well i thought it was gonna be a long week but it sadly passed by really fast. The memories will be unforgivable for me and yes i would go to LA in a heartbeat again just to see her again. it was such a fun time. Well were in the talking stage of her coming here but well we'll see how that works out we spend a good deal of time talking of me going there in first place ill see how that works out.
I just feel lucky i met such a awesome person and honored to be her friend. I wish her nothing but good will and cheer her on in her goals and respect her ideals.
I on the other hand have a lot to work on myself..but well keeping my chin up and just gonna try whats reasonable....i know i need to work out sigh..if anyones got tips on that would be great..forgot everything about PE *cry*
Take care everyone and thanks if you read this all the way through.

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Date:2007-09-18 14:43
Mood: confused

sometimes i just dont know what to think or how to react...i just go blank without thought..like time freezes..and sometimes have to reflect on consequences..yupppers...
or maybe sometimes i think too much..cuz i know if a lot more of my thoughts came out id truly have no friends >.>; but most of time i stop and think over things many many many times...

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Date:2007-09-15 21:31
Subject:omg omg omg omg
Mood: peaceful

today is a day that i will remember forever. marking it down to always remember..

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Date:2007-07-26 18:20
Mood: blah

Well thanks for the tips guys lol the gift appreciation went sorta ok..but oh well

I need a life >.>; lol and not to mention i felt pushed aside lol well *smashes head against keyboard*
i did a lot of backyard work today..just in time for the rain..i swear i havent sweated so much in my life lol the shower afterwards is a godsend.
Things looking up so far. Ive felt things happen for a reason, more cuz of the man upstairs. I swear i was pissed when i missed a big oppurtunity to buy a really sweet car but then i heard the person that beat me to buying the car, the car just broke down yesterday >.>; maybe all a coincidence? o.o
I want to see the Simpsons Movie. Just for old times sakes. and maybe go out and treat myself..think i deserve it..i hope lol
lets see what the future has in store..

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Date:2007-06-30 06:11
Subject:thoughts thoughts thoughts of grandure
Mood: thoughtful

a day is closing by fast...someone i deeply care about...her birthday....a present...*thinks*....grrr...i feel like getting something grand or something worth of her deserving but alas..it seems it will have to be a creative one...'singing las mananitas was a bad idea' i think someone said bout last time <,<;;
a creative present..wonder if the idea will come up in my lil ol noggin....*shakes head back and forth as clunks are heard*

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Date:2007-06-28 20:01
Mood: confused

somehow the words were not there..the intention wasnt there...but i still felt pushed the hell way
back to where i prob belong <,< lol

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Date:2007-05-02 03:30

what a horrible day...things from let downs, threats, to denied of emotions and thoughts...sigh..not making me feel anymore special -.-

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Date:2006-07-13 19:51

oh and also guess whos joined...myspace? *gets shot*

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Date:2006-07-13 19:42
Subject:lol update

"where the fuck has Twan been?" u might ask? alive. sry friends...for no updates :/ lj just sorta went out and pooooof. anyone still read my journals? >.>

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Date:2006-02-08 09:53
Mood: nearly insane

yes....my FFXI acccount is stillllll closed.
just filled out app. for What a burger....weeeee

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Date:2006-02-06 13:58
Mood: crazy

well here i am cuz my FFXI account got shot a few days ago.
Bank trouble ><
got the funds but didnt go through on time so SE thought i got no money(lol) so closed my account till the transfer goes through ><
sad days indeed.
so ill be prowling this place more often <.<
but daaaamn thats some addiction lol
and for 15.95 a month not bad considering how much im getting outta it while in the past ive spent 50bucks on just ONE game which wouldnt last long too <.< 20-40 hours at best.
Final Fantasy XI game time as of last time i checked(last week, game keeps count) = 60 days 12 hours @_@ goddamn lol
and im not max lvl yet <.<
am i enjoying it? hells yes. it saves money but kills every free time i got <.<
yet still work here and see some friends(the closest lol) and do the occasional weekend thing. yup since moving back to TX got less time compared to when i was in MI. thats prob the bulk of the time of the 60days <.<
in Jan. prob only spend....40some hours <.< which isnt much sadly ; ;

well in OTHER news, the place where i sorta work at is having financial trouble lol. kinda expected it but meh. imma plan ahead and turn in an application for Whataburger tomorow... mmmm burgers....mmmm worker discount(i hope lol)
PLUS-imma think of sellin all my games since my time has been spent all on FFXI. but damn whats sadder is that the reason why i wanna play the most is not to fall behind friends... friends who play way many more hours. so all free time is hereby FFXI time. <.< when the bank finally does the tranfer of course lol(has noticed ive talked nothing but FFXI) :( i need a life lol
but here for me to getting lvl 75 Samurai! oh and an expansion pack comes out in April(my god) so this 3 yr old game is still kickin. i almost sorta wish SE closes down the FFXI servers when FFXII comes out... lol

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